Letter to my oldest son

Alex is my oldest son, born after my daughter and before his brother. 

since high school he has been doing a variety of things to fuck himself up, pot, alcohol, pills, etc. 

he has added shoplifting and other things to his skills. 

In about November of 2017 he found himself in Forest View psych ward. Upon being released he found a room to rent from a sexual predator. He was not in a good situation. His brother picked him up and dropped him at our house. 

we talked a lot over the first couple of weeks. He wanted to get his life together, get a job, buy a car, find a room to rent. I believe he was sincere. 

We got him clean, on some anxiety meds, food, a comfortable place to sleep, and a loving family. He was stoned on Christmas, and a bunch of other times. Everyone slips, it is part of the healing and withdrawal process. 

Then money went missing from Tammy's purse. I set up camera's and caught him searching her purse. He attempted to claim he wanted us use the money for Christmas presents. The reality was a "friend" stopped by for a few minutes to show off a car. He was stoned for the next couple of days. So....

Eventually he found a job. I would drop him off at work in the morning and he would find a ride home at night. The third day of work he came home so stoned he could hardly function. The next 2 days were not much better. On a Wednesday morning on the way to work, I had enough. I again asked what his plan was and if he continued to get high he needed to find another place to live. I received the expected amount of verbal abuse from him. He didn't see anything wrong with what he is doing and "everyone uses pot except you old people". The next 2 days were better, I mistakenly hoped someone had talked some sense to him. 

On a nice sunny Saturday afternoon in mid-January he wanted to go into Holland and visit some friends. We dropped him off at noon and never saw him again. 

On Sunday around 11 I started receiving calls from Ottawa county Jail. 

I learned he was arrested for retail fraud (shoplifting) and possession. He also had an outstanding warrant in South Haven. 

At this point I conveyed to him that he no longer had a home to come to. 

I put this letter in his stuff, he will probably not read it, but I had to write it. 

I cut your cord…

In 1995 I had a great life with a wonderful woman and a beautiful little girl. My wife was pregnant with our second child and I couldn’t be more happy with our life in zeeland. When mom was pregnant with you she was glowing and happy. I was excited to have a little boy around the house.

I dreamed of playing ball, riding bikes, hiking and camping. Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, I was gonna be a leader. Coach your teams. Be your father and your friend.

When you grew up I was going to help you fix cars, buy a house, go on motorcycle trips.

When you were born you were the most beautiful boy I could have imagined. I cut your umbilical cord hugged you and was hopeful of the great man you would become.

Sometime between then and today we have grown apart. Our family has been torn apart by alcohol and greed.  I have failed you as a father, I take responsibility for that. Perhaps as a way to ease my guilt I have been trying to help you as much as I can. Probably too much.

This latest time was yet another attempt to help when I probably should not have. You were desperate and had nowhere to turn. You have destroyed all of your previous relationships, we had no choice but to help. That's what family's do. Except for you, you manipulate and steal from family that helps you. 

At some point in your life you learned that it is acceptable to lie, cheat, and steal from other people. This is not something you learned from me. Your desire to get high has pushed away everything important in your life.

I find myself once again having to cut the cord, this time between you and me.

I still have hope that you will become a man and stop thinking you can manipulate people to get what you want.

The thing that hurts me more than being used is that Mary and Tammy are so disappointed. We/they really wanted to help. But we can only help so much. Your behavior here was overall disrespectful and rude. We did enjoy having you join us for meals when you were not high and for the occasional helping hand. We did not enjoy locking up all our valuables and setting cameras up to watch you steal our stuff.

Good bye my son. I really wish you the best. Someday, if you can get your life straight, perhaps we can be friends. 

If not, I know we tried.

Dad.