I just
realized with a bit of a shock, that a year ago today I was camping in the Wyoming
desert on my semi-epic motorcycle trip. As I look back on the preceding year, I
am taken aback at the changes that have happened; not only in my
work/home/personal life but in my attitude and outlook.
One would
think that ending a 30 year relationship would be a sad thing. The truth is,
the relationship ended a long time ago when a bottle became more important than
a family. The reality is that we/I let it live for too long. Everyone handles
change differently, I seem to embrace it. I have never been the type to stand there
looking at a door that closed behind me wishing for it to open again. I have
always turned around and looked towards the next door or challenge. Right or
wrong, I have always had the attitude of “Bring It!”
Shortly
after I started the paper work to officially end the marriage, I also went looking
for a way to meet someone. Now, I have heard and understand all the jargon from
people that have come out of rocky relationships. Many will say things like “I am
done with women”, “I will never get married again”, “I would rather be alone”,
etc. I recently talked with a guy that stayed single for 20 years after a 4
year marriage ended. I asked him why he went so long; his answer was that he
did not want to risk the hurt again.
I understand
the feelings, I really do. They just don’t fit with my personal belief. I believe
the rewards of a relationship far outweigh the risk of being hurt. Shelly and I
were married for nearly 30 years, the rewards were 20 years of good memories
and three wonderful children. Even the last 10 years, during the worst of her
addictions, had some very rewarding times. I feel it would be foolish to say
that I will not risk some heartbreak for all those rewards. The ratio is just
too huge to ignore!
I have also
learned that while I am okay with being alone, I will not choose to stay that
way. I was raised an only child without the benefit of lots of close family. During
the past few years before and after she moved, I did most everything alone or
with the kids. As the kids get older and more independent, I found myself in an
empty house more and more often. Rather than lament about how the empty nest
thing didn’t turn out like I had planned, I sought to change the plan.
Dating for a
guy like me after 30 years is a very scary thing; I am 54 years old, three kids
living at home, and a full time job. Finding a woman willing to deal with all
that could be a challenge. (See my blog; Forward at Fifty Four for a more complete
list of my dating options). After going on my first date in years, indeed this
century, I found we had a lot in common and we are still dating almost 9 months
later.
As a side
note, I appreciate everyone telling me to take it slow and I especially appreciate
all the horror stories about rebound relationships. Believe me when I say I am
going into this with both eyes open, having said that, I am convinced that our
meeting was not an accident either.
Suddenly I find
myself looking at nearly everything differently; Artprize, Blues on the Mall,
new restaurants, movies! Wow! No longer do I have to consider if I want to go
to any of these alone. She has taught me that cooking does not have to a
stressful nightmare played out in the kitchen, I have taught her that car
repairs do not have to be expensive. We have actually gone for long walks on
the beach and enjoyed every minute of it. (Every profile on the dating sites
list ‘long walks on the beach’ as a favorite activity. I would roll my eyes
when I read those). We suddenly find
ourselves busy every weekend with something; everything from dance lessons to
power washing a deck. I am beginning to feel like my former self again. I have
been trying to connect with old friends and make some new ones as well.
When I was
younger I never really sat still for very long. I was always occupied with
Jeeps, snowmobiles, motorcycles, bicycles, camping, whatever kept me moving.
Later it was building projects around home and some travelling. As the insidious
advance of addictions crept into our lives, I found myself home watching TV more
and more for many reasons; partly to protect the kids, partly because the money
was gone, partly due to depression caused by living with addictions. I felt
like a big sponge that has been squeezed down into an incredibly small ball. With
the pressure of living in a bad situation gone, now I am decompressing;
discovering and rediscovering who and what I really am. It is a slow process,
but I like it! My children are noticing too, my youngest noted that I never
watch TV anymore. I realized that my children never really met their father;
the guy they have known for the past few years was not me. Sadly they grew up
with a drunken mother and a couch potato father. Well, I am re-arranging their
expectations! If they can’t keep up, they can stay home!
My children
are beginning to decompress in their own, sometimes not such healthy, ways. All I can do is to re-assure them that I will always
be there if and when they need me. They need to understand that both parents did not
abandon them, only one did. They do seem to like when
we are cooking in my kitchen, even if they don’t want to eat, they always stop
in to talk. We are doing more things together when our schedules allow and they
are much more willing to come camping or for a cookout than ever before.
One year
later and my life seems so different, almost as if I am remembering someone else’s
life from before. The location is the same; all but a couple of people are the
same. My outlook is no longer from the point of view of a rat trapped in a
cage. Now I have hope, I dare to dream again, I have more energy and I want to
do and see everything again. Even my boss and co-workers have mentioned that I seem
happier with a clear focus and renewed sense of purpose.
If I had tried to predict the events of this past year, I could not have hoped for a better one.
