Papers have been signed, the awkward slow dance of negotiations, more papers to sign.
The agreement is made. It seems more like a bill of sale than a divorce agreement. I give her a wad of cash and I get the kids, cars, cats, and home.
As I wait for yet another flight in yet another airport I reflect on how we arrived at this point. Twenty nine years tomorrow we stood at an alter and pledged our undying devotion to each other until death. Of course, as in all marriages, the vows have been bent and broken on both sides. For the most part equal guilt can be assigned to each party. Recently only one party has decided that there will be no attempt at reconciliation.
It has been a death of sorts, the girl I married has been gone a long time. She grew into a beautiful, smart, hardworking mother of three and I loved her more than ever.
Alcohol changes people. Not quickly but over time, months, years, decades. The changes are almost unnoticeable at first, then as time progresses the changes come quicker. I watched helplessly as my beautiful creative wife became withdrawn, secretive, cold, and increasingly disconnected from the family she was dismissing until she was convinced that her children, home, indeed more than half her life is worth a cash payment.
Unsure of how to proceed as a single father of three with a full time job (see Forward at FiftyFour at blogspot.com) I knew a few things with a certainty; I will no longer experience every thing alone. I have experienced so many things in my life both while traveling for work and escaping the ravages of alcohol, I want to find someone who shares my interests, and adventure.
Also, I will no longer avoid 'couples activities'. Suddenly taste of whatever, new restaurants, fall festivals, movies, indeed an entire world of activities are available. Heck, I want to go to the Cow Pie Music Festival with someone! I hope I never have to occupy a couch with a remote as company on a Saturday again.
I would be OK with a couple of possibilities as dates; I have toolbox's full of different tools for different jobs, perhaps the same logic can apply here. Someone who likes motorcycles, another who may like theater, a traveling companion. It seems odd to me, having never dated more than one person at a time before. If God has taught me anything in the past year, the need to move out of my comfort zone is where I will find fulfillment.
Where to find this mythical partner or partners that we all seem to be searching for. Again, check out my previous blog. I cautiously settled on a couple of Internet sites, free ones of course. I set my search parameters to within a few years of my own age and 25 miles of my location and started reading.
I will save my specific insights and experiences for another blog. To say I was cautious is an understatement.
I read possibly hundreds of profiles and predictably the common thread in this age group was history and baggage. As as well as twenty plus year marriages and phrases like 'no drama', must be active', experience new things, make me laugh, and looking for a best friend, are in some form in almost every profile. I went so far as to read several mens profiles, checking out the competition so to speak. The same applies here.
Incredibly, we all seem to be looking for the same thing! How to narrow things down a bit? After all, there are like 400+ non smoking singles listed within 25 miles of my location.
Adjusting search parameters: I have never dated a tall woman, so anyone over, say, 5'8". Call me shallow but she must be pretty, not overweight, and dress nicely. (I am surprised at the number of pictures wearing sweatpants and mu-mu's) Oh yeah, another biggie; nondrinker or social drinker! When the search was complete, there were still around 45 possibilities. Also, discard people with phonetic spelling skills, punctuation challenged, missing front teeth, and anyone from Allegan. (Semi-kidding on that)
Still too many;
Narrow the search to 20 miles and look north, just because I am very familiar with that area.
Don't take this wrong, I am not looking for anything but company for dinner, a motorcycle ride, to fill an empty evening here and there, attend a festival or art show. I am, after all, still legally married for the next few months.. I avoided all profiles that were looking for 'serious relationship', marriage, or other 'latch on' phrases. There must be others like me out there. Right? Just companionship without a bunch of strings?
After reading and re-reading too many profiles, I settled on five possibilities, and ultimately made the decision to contact one. Test the waters so to speak.
This is where my research stopped and what is best described as panic set in. I needed to write my own profile before being allowed to contact anyone else. Crap, that meant pictures too!
Breath deep, collect yourself, this can't be that difficult. I seem to be able to write about anything, I just need to think like a salesman: accentuate the positive, be truthful, and maybe different enough to set myself apart from the crowd a bit.
Once again, I need to step out of the comfort zone, I have come to realize it is not so much stepping out as expanding it. Well, I was out of it alrighty!
I 'free wrote' about five paragraphs for a profile. I trimmed out and corrected until I had a couple of generic "no drama, best friends, just wanna laugh, no addictions, must love motorcycles" paragraphs.
Pictures. I recycled a few of my RFJ self portraits.
I 'went live' just before 11:00 pm on a Sunday night. I also messaged the one profile I finally decided on. To say my expectations were low is being generous. This is after all, the Internet; the greatest collection of potential garbage on the computer side of a landfill. Adding to that was the preconceived ideas I previously held about Internet dating; that these were losers who could not find a date the traditional way. When I was faced with the prospect of actually finding one I discovered the big question; what is the traditional way for people my age to meet?
This is all i am prepared to share at this time, more later....maybe.
