Forward at Fifty Four

Nearly twenty nine years ago we said the "I do's" pledging to be there for each other in sickness and health till ..... well you get the picture.
Today we made a tentative verbal agreement to end the marriage uncontested if I buy her a condo and  keep custody of all three kids. Sweet deal if you can get it.
This is not the condo buying experience I had envisioned for myself at this stage in life.

Now the questions begin; namely now what? Followed up with; how does a fifty four year old doughboy with a substantial debt load and three wonderful kids find a female companion in this day and age.
If I were a marketing firm I would start with the positive;

•  I have all my teeth! (at least the ones you can see!)
• I have a good, stable job that does not require asking about the supersizing options. 
• the doughboy look is in; Jimmy Kimmel, Alec Baldwin, Gerard Butler are my proof.
• I still have a choice of haircuts, even if is all white.
• Debt load can be re-financed into a manageable payment schedule. 
• I can be charming as hell if I want to. 
• I am adventurous, and I like to travel. 
• The kids are mostly doing their own things anyway. As long as I throw food in the fridge once in a while and ask if someone needs bail money, I can stay away for weeks at a time. (Kidding)

Where to find someone? This is the really tough part. I refuse to go to bars alone. Only losers, or really, really, lonely people do that. Anyway, finding love in a bar would probably lead to same situation I was just "rescued" from. 

Co-Workers? Where I work, there are four females, all married, and only one my age. It would take a lot of time and charm to pry one of these girls away from their homes. Not to mention the awkward work environment when things go south. 

Church? Difficult for me. I would need to spend a lot of time there, and it really is not an atmosphere conducive to dating. What with all the singing, preaching, and COUPLES, hanging out and talking. Does one just walk around looking at ring fingers, approaching only those with missing jewelry?

"Excuse me, My name is Fred and I am looking for an age appropriate dating experience based on the morning service. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?".

"Oh, I see. You dropped the ring off at the jewelry store Friday morning for repair? Your husband is the police chief and really hates old guys on motorcycles? Thanks for your time...."

Grocery Store Dating; I once overhead a conversation between a couple of bachelors concerning this very topic. They were comparing which nights attracted the most potential dates and what aisles to prowl. I suspect I would stay away from the alcohol, Oreo, and ice cream aisles. Call me shallow, but fat alcoholic chicks are a turn off. So, the fruit and veggie aisle then? Anorexic runners who have a liking for old dough boys?

I have been doing the shopping for me and the kids for over a year. I have gone on almost every night of the week and have yet to find a plethora of age appropriate dating material. And at this point, the only interest you have in common is the need to eat, or at least purchase food in semi uncooked form. The scope of this seems like it would take a lot of luck and a greater amount of time. I only have about 10 good years left.

Marinas? Probably would require owning something like a boat.

Motorcycle Rallys? Again, difficult to pick out the unattached ones. "I see you are not wearing a Property of Shanker patch on your lovely black leather vest. Would you be interested in age appropriate dating questions? Miss, please pull your t-shirt back down. Thank you tho.."  

Craigslist? Puuhhlleese. I may as well drive to Fennville with a wad of cash, stand in the middle of a trailer park and yell "Take my money and give me an STD!"

That pretty much leaves online dating. Ok, I admit, I have been checking it out. The first thing one would notice is the prices, they want to charge for six months or a year at a time. This is serious money, like condo payment type money. 

There are a few free sites, and it seems that the same people are on all the sites, paid or free. 

The profiles of the dateless women on these sites seems to run in a similar vein; 

 "Looking for mr right. I am a no drama girl who loves to hunt, fish, camp, crap in the woods while holding your beer and watching NASCAR.
I would like to meet a kind sensitive man who will treat me like a lady, makes me laugh, is my best friend, will gouge his own eyes out before looking at another woman.
I am height weight proportional compared to say, a beach ball.
I love to dance, unless you don't.
My income is just mostly what is on my Bridge card. This leaves all my time to get you more beer.
I am a non-smoker, but I still have my lighter so I can light yours.
You must have a car, or pickup, because my bus pass just expired and my ex won't let me use his truck anymore on account of the DUI.
I am not in a relationship. That thing with my cousin doesn't really count. Does it?