Ideas-Action-Results

Disclaimer; any characters or company in Zeeland or anywhere else represented in this blog are purely fictional. The names  have nearly been changed to protect the author and artistic license is rampant. While the details of the conversations are completely made up, the spirit of the conversations may possibly be true. While the portrayal of crimes are not actual, the results in many companies in the US are certainly quantifiable.  

While most of this is written with witless satire, the unfortunate truth is all too real and this should not be read by anybody. 

Ideas-

"Our bank accounts are getting low. We only have a few million left."says Owner 01, "If this continues we will not be able to pose as good christian people and act all noble. Something must be done!"

Owner 02 replies "We should get rid of our highest paid associates" (a euphemism to avoid using the word People, plus it can be shortened to ass.)

01 retorted as he reached for his ever-present coffee cup, "But the highest paid asses are the ones that have given their talent and time to build this company from a garage to a multi-million dollar facility on Kasey Karson Drive. We have hired inept managers who helped us create an atmosphere which stifles creativity and pissed off most of our best customers, now we should fire our best people."

"In order for our pious christian image to remain intact, we should hire a short, unemployed, wife cheating, supervisor named Todd who has long ago lost all respect from his peers", O02 continues, "we will act like he is yet another in a string of failed supervisors we put all our hope into. We will further act as if we are giving him a chance to show his repentance, and will be surprised when we 'discover' he is nothing more than the turd everyone already knows he is."

O01 adds to this; "We can say we are taking the company in a new direction. We only keep people who will properly suck up, have graduated from Kalvin regardless of talent, and a few who have real talent because we need it to support all the slugs we have polluted management with."   

O02 smiles broadly as he picks up the momentum, "Yeah, when Todd the Tool starts clearing out the talent, we will call it a layoff to keep hope alive and string them along for  as long a possible. We will ignore their calls asking for tools and personal items. Again, this will not be our doing, we can act indignant when people from church tell us about the terrible things going on at Exhole Inc.We will promise to look into it, as soon as we can remember where the building is."

"All we need is an economic slowdown to start the process" O01 intones as he starts to dial his cell phone. 

Action-

Act I
"I can't believe our luck" O01 joyfully explains to brother O02, " we hired a short, clueless, ill-respected, skirt chaser named Todd who was unemployed." With an evil grin he continues, "we introduced him as a shiny example of what all our asses should strive to be."

O02 nods thoughtfully and says, "the economy is slowing down too. Bandy Randy has been prepared to help Tool Todd with our plan to remain wealthy and screw the masses. doG is good, he must approve of our plan." O01 and O02 raised their eyes to the ceiling as if looking for affirmation. 


Act II
"The firings went well. We even had a few who believed the 'layoff' lie. Todd the Tiny Tool has morale at an all time low. He cornered people to tell them if morale did not improve they would be punished!" O01 and O02 howled with laughter. "The beatings will continue until morale improves!" shouted O01 as he doubled over with laughter. "And Bandy Randy bought right into the Tooless Todd Show along with most of the paper managers we hired." exclaimed O01 as he wiped tears from his eyes.
The fun continued as they recounted some of the individual stories; "one of the asses, who was here for eight years was being treated for cancer when we did his 'layoff'." O02 recounted, "his wife asked how they would pay for treatments, she almost burst into tears when we said COBRA was available!" Another round of spastic laughter, "I have it on video, I watch it when I need a laugh!" O01 continued; "remember when we would change the insurance every few years just to mess with them? One guy was still trying to sort out the paperwork from his wife's illness when we let him loose". More perverse laughter.
They took a minute to regain their composure, then "We have had another piece of luck, Tiny Tool Todd hired his mistress, Slutty Sue as our receptionist. No doubt soon we will catch them doing the nasty in his office and we will have to fire both of them for immoral behavior. Then we can wash our hands of this whole thing while still looking like moral community leaders. We can donate some paltry sum to our church and feel better about ourselves because none of this was 'planned'."
"We better go or we will be late for our CREEP's meeting. (Christian Retooling of Economic Enterprise Politics) It is in the Slamway Grand tonight. I heard the owner of Tranny-Matic was helping a cancer patient, we will have to vote him out of the group."

Results- 

More than sixty good people released from work, one man died of cancer while his wife was working to keep up the COBRA payments. 
Tool-less Todd and Slutty Sue were indeed caught doing the nasty and were indignantly terminated.
The company was able to keep undeserved tax cuts because of the "unforeseen" economic down turn.
Not one phone call or visit from the 'christian owners' asking how things were going or if any help was needed to any of the former employees. Indeed, they didn't even go to the funeral of the one who died.
Every manager kept his or her job. The ratio must be close to 1:1 now.
Every graduate of the Klaven kept his job, even the one who almost burned the building down and caused almost a million in smoke damage.
For the talent that stayed, a three year wage freeze has been in effect.
The important thing is, the company meetings still start with a prayer.


Any views or opinions presented in this blog are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the blogger.